Trains, MCing, Rave, Interspecies Mating, North East Geography and a Rant About Privilege - in that order.

My ex-girlfriend and I were walking down a busy as fuck train and looking for two seats together. I had already been complaining about ‘those nobs that sit alone on table seats’ even though we weren’t planning on sitting at a table, but waiting for a train makes me remember all the things I hate about travelling on public transport. I like public transport as a concept: it’s environmentally friendly, convenient, can be relatively cheap, prevents congestion, and provides transport for vulnerable people such as the elderly, poor and disabled. However, all these positives are completely lost when you factor in that most people are cunts. Public transport is like some sick experiment which forces cunts together in an enclosed space for potentially long periods of time to test how cunty they can be. I hate it when people try to get on trains when people are getting off. Or even if they just stand in a huddle around the door leaving no clear exit. I hate it when people sit in the wrong seats and then appear upset when they have to move. I hate it when people get right up to the ticket barriers before even looking for their ticket, especially if they are the same bell ends that stood up ten minutes before the train even got to the station. 

Anyway, we eventually found two table seats. The two closest to the window were already occupied by and old beige coloured man and a scruffy looking teenager. My ex-girlfriend had to ask the old man to move his briefcase which was occupying the foot space of the free seat next to him (even though the train was ‘busy as fuck’). He did so, in a half-arsed manner, and without apology. I chose to sit next to the scruff who immediately made space next to him available. I consider myself to be a scruff and thought it only fair that the scruffy should sit next to each other in order to reduce our scruffy surface area to volume ration, thus minimising the amount of scruff that can come into contact with other members of the public. You see, I am a considerate user of public transport. After saying hello to the person I had to sit beside for the next hour I became aware that I was stuck next to a ‘talker’. ‘Talkers’ are brilliant if you are in the mood for them but I was quite tired and was looking forward to reading a bit more of my book. But what I hate most about public transport is rudeness so I decided to chat to my fellow scruff. He asked where I was from and where I was going. “Newcastle,” I told  him, “I live in Newcastle now but I am originally from Ashington, in Northumberland.”

“Aye I thought you was a Geordie. I’m from Newcastle too but live in Glasgow now with me dad. I’m going to visit me mam coz she lives in Newcastle,” he replied. This is all from memory and as such is not a direct quote but it is very accurate to what he said on the journey. He continued, “Do you know someone called Cooky? He is my brother.” I didn’t know his brother. He went on to tell me about all of his many brothers and sisters between his parents and their new partners. He told me about his mother having six miscarriages and how his dad was an alcoholic. All this and we had only been sitting next to each other for five minutes.

Rainbow cannabis. This was more appropriate than lesbians.

Ten minutes into the journey and he was showing me pictures on his blackberry, which looked like it had been chewed by a dog. The first picture was a cannabis leaf. The second was a bag full of multi-coloured dried out cannabis (he told me this was from rainbow cannabis, which naturally grows like that). The final picture was of a woman performing oral sex on another woman. It was quite a coincidence as my three favourite things in order are:

1. Cannabis

2. Multi-coloured cannabis  

3. Lesbians.

The pictures stopped but he then went on to play rave, New Monkey-type shit with ridiculous ‘MCing’. MC stands for ‘Master of Ceremonies’, which is such an ironically stuffy title for this type of music. It’s not surprising that people presume it stands for ‘Mic Controller’. Loads of people loved this stuff back in school. It was quite loud and I hate people playing music on public transport so I told him that he should probably turn it down. He did. He was a nice guy really; he just didn’t seem to know what was acceptable in social situations. He told me he was an MC and that his name was MC Choc Chip, presumably because his second name was Cook so he probably got called ‘Cooky’ just like his brother, and ‘Cooky’ sounds exactly the same as ‘cookie’ (I probably didn’t need to explain that but I just presume that if you are reading this then you are an idiot. It’s an insult to me too).

Anyway, I asked MC Choc Chip if he was any good. This was a mistake. He serenaded me with “Roses are red. Muslims are brown. When they go swimming I hope that they drown…” I couldn’t help thinking that these words would make the worst Valentine’s Day card ever. I thought it futile to point out that not all Muslims are brown (and that roses don’t go swimming): you have to pick your battles. Telling a complete stranger that they are racist at the start of a long journey isn’t going to help anyone. I have heard plenty of ‘MCing’ before, I don’t like it but he was pretty good at it. Also, MC Choc Chip is actually a pretty good MC name compared to others I have heard of such as: MC Stompin, MC Stretch, and MC Sparky D. My favourite MC is MC Bouncin who has a mint song called Metro Mission aka metty mish, which is all about travelling on the metro rail system in Newcastle: “North Shields, Meadow Well, Percy Main. Where the fuck you think I’m going - going on the train.” If you choose to listen to this song (which you blatantly will after reading that snippet) then skip the first 20 seconds. It all starts getting good when he says “Fuck off!”

If I was a serious MC (I say serious because technically I have been an MC. MC Maxitron was a parody hardstyle project I did) I would call myself MC Squared and my first album would be called ‘'E's equal MC Squared’. “Roses are red. Gay people are bent. Does the inertia of an object depend upon its energy-content?” Possibly the second worst Valentine’s Day card? If you are struggling to come up with your own MC name then there is a handy website. My favourite suggestions were ‘Vigilante MB Blunt Chrome’ and ‘Meaty ALG A Thug’. Interestingly, it allows you to choose a male or female name. The two just mentioned were somehow male and the female suggestion is ‘Gravy ALG A Smack’. I will let you find the differences.

Video uploaded in 2008. One comment. At least it is informative.

After 15, uninterrupted, minutes of MCing he opened his bag to show me several cans of energy drink, which I was told could be bought from pound land. Reaching under all that canned energy he pulled out a small book. When he opened it I realised it was a word search for children and he immediately told me he had learning difficulties. After explaining this he asked if I could help him find the next train to Newcastle when we get off at Carlisle. His racism and lack of social etiquette were, for me, now put into perspective. I felt bad for judging him now I knew he had learning difficulties. But I did already have my suspicions; racism is associated with mental dysfunction. I am being too harsh to call him racist. His ‘MCing’ was clearly racist but that didn’t mean he agreed with the lyrics (probably did though the bloody racist shit). 

We had two brilliant debates on the journey. The first one went something like this:

MC Choc Chip: “Dogs can get cats pregnant you know.”

Me: “Nah I don’t think they can.”

MC Choc Chip: “Ner. They can like.”

Me: “Ner. They can’t.”

MC Choc Chip: “Aye they can and cats and can get dogs pregnant as well.” At this point I pulled out my biologist card (aka I’m a supercilious smug cunt card), which I had never done before (and will hopefully never do again). To say that dogs can get cats pregnant is ridiculous but to say that cats can get dogs pregnant is just too far man.

Me: “They definitely can’t. I am a biologist and I know about the genetics involved and why it is impossible.”

MC Choc Chip: “A biologist? Aye, whatever one of those is.” I was defiant and I think he eventually believed me. But he now obviously wanted to tell me another piece of information I wouldn’t know. Debate number 2:

Is Ashington part of Newcastle? Answer written above^

MC Choc Chip: “Ashington is considered to be part of Newcastle you know.”

Me: “No it’s not.”

MC Choc Chip: “Ner. It is like.”

Me: “Ner it’s not because it’s 18 miles north of Newcastle. It’s its own town. It’s in a different county.”

MC Choc Chip: “Aye but it’s still considered to be part of Newcastle.”

Me: “Aye, by you.”

MC Choc Chip: “Well, did you know that Newcastle used to be part of Scotland.” Now this one I wasn’t actually sure on because I wasn’t sure how long the border has been where it is and when Scotland was considered to be different to England. Therefore I didn’t want to argue against it too strongly but so far he had talked shite so I went with the idea that it wasn’t part of Scotland.

Me: “I don’t think it was.”

MC Choc Chip: “Ner. It was like.”

Me: “Well I know Hadrian’s Wall goes through it so some parts of Newcastle were north of the wall but I don’t think that means they were Scottish.”

MC Choc Chip: “Ner. Newcastle definitely was part of Scotland but it was like hundreds or thousands of years ago or sumit.” At this point I just gave in.

Me: “Alright, fair enough.”

MC Choc Chip: “See, you didn’t even know that. And you call yourself ‘a biologist’.” This proper tickled me.

The first part of our journey was over and we had already covered a plethora of topics; biology, geography, lesbians, cannabis, Muslims, roses, colours, miscarriage, alcoholism, learning difficulties. I found the information for the connecting train to Newcastle and told MC Choc Chip which platform we were going to. As we waited for the train, and chatted about all sorts of shite, a couple standing near us were staring, with quite judgemental faces, directly at us (but mostly at the MC). He noticed and was obviously quite used to it. He said to me “What the fuck are they staring at? Are they laughing?”

“Nah I think they are just chatting to each other and having a joke,” I said this, but I didn’t believe it. These two cunts were very obviously looking down on us and MC Choc Chip wasn’t happy about it. I thought it would serve them right if me and MC Choc Chip kicked the fuck out of them. It would be a funny fight for one thing and I’m sure he could have gotten some quality lyrics from it. In the next part of the train journey MC Choc Chip offered to protect my bags. He said, “if anyone touches them… fucking yak!” and he gestured violently with his elbow. He was willing to help me on the basis that I had been civil to him on the train. I hadn’t even been that nice, as you have read I was bit of a smug cunt to him. It made me think how he is used to being treated by the general public. I can’t help but really like MC Choc Chip despite his racism, sexism and incessant ‘MCing’. He was just really friendly and really nice. And in a way he was really innocent.

Is this just a blog post to laugh at the expense of a disadvantaged human life? I suppose it is (you have to admit it is both funny and sad at the same time) but I am also trying to make a point (taking fucking ages to do it though eh). This is a real person. This isn’t a fictional character. He exists with no control over the government’s policies dictating his, and his family’s, circumstances. What’s crazy is that he reminded me of so many people from school. His mannerisms and the way he spoke was like so many people I know. He isn’t just a one-off quirky character. I found out that he didn’t have a job. I wondered how many MPs have met people like this. I would wager that most of them haven’t met anyone like this and if they have I bet they wouldn’t speak to them for very long. The government’s approach to the welfare state is based on the opinions of mostly upper class and middle class men. How can they even begin to understand the social context of the life of someone like MC Choc Chip? These privileged few who run our country would rather someone like MC Choc Chip be punished for being unemployed rather than helped.

I don’t understand how people can just say that people like MC Choc Chip should just work hard and they will be able to do anything. They believe he has the same chances as someone born into a middle class or upper family. How fucking stupid and naive can you be? It so blindingly obvious that it is so much harder to achieve when you come from such as disadvantaged background. And it is so much easier to achieve when you have been given such a head start and so much help. Everyone should understand this basic principle but the politics of an inexcusably large number of people is based on the denial of this obvious fact of life. I don’t think this denial is a deliberate attempt to be horrible to poor and disadvantaged people. I believe it is a way privileged people try to maintain that they are responsible for their own success. No one likes to admit they have been helped. It makes your achievements seem less impressive and your failures more embarrassing.

I think it is really important that we try to shake people out of this self-worship mentality. For one thing it is extremely arrogant but more importantly it is used to justify loads of horrible things: stripping away benefits, the bedroom tax and blaming disadvantages groups in society for their own disadvantaged situations. The same mentality is required to deny the need for equal rights. How often have you heard people say “If they just worked hard they could be successful too”? Replace ‘they’ with women, poor people, ethnic minorities etc. and you have an argument against making it easier for these disadvantaged groups to become successful. This kind of argument is solely based on the belief that you alone are responsible for your own success. Without the belief that you are responsible for your own success you can’t help but realise that disadvantaged people need more help and support. If you believe that you are responsible for your own success then you are a deluded, horrible, arrogant and selfish cunt. In the words of a YouTube commenter, “You are the reason why the whole fucking world is fucked forever.” And in the words of MC Bouncin and with the exact same tone, “Fuck off!”